What’s My Name? Why “Wandering Voiceless?”

5389383519_828f00bc81_sMy reoccurring worst nightmare always concludes with me opening my mouth to scream with all my might, and not a sound comes out. Not a whisper. Not a crack. No “eek.” No “help!” Nothing. I am voiceless; I am therefore powerless in the face of whatever evil is stalking me in my dreams.

Throughout the torture that was my childhood, I kept asking for help; none came. Over the years, I lost my voice. I only found it from time to time in small quiet intimate settings, when I was virtually alone with my thoughts. As I became an adult, did the therapy thing, settled into a safe marriage, created a loving family, bits of my voice came back. Just bits, here and there.

When I originally created this blog, it was a tool to promote my Tastefully Simple business. Become an expert, the experts said, in whatever you are selling. Create credibility. I knew that I knew how to write, so I started to write, not just about Tastefully Simple but about whatever I felt needed to be shared in that moment.

At the start, I thought I might write more about my work as a public safety dispatcher, thus I explained why I had titled it “415Whisperer.” Then, I stalled out. Lost focus. (Frankly, I find it difficult to write about my dispatching work; I worry about the consequences. I don’t want to lose that part of my voice.)

I find it ironic that although I felt “voiceless” in my emotional being, I make a living by being a strong calm voice in a storm of chaos.

When I came back to the blog and re-explored where it might be heading, I realized as I drifted into the retrospectives that it would be a good vehicle to share my journey as a survivor of incest, to offer hope to others who might also have lost their voices. I also realized I wanted to explore my spirituality and beliefs, while keeping an open mind to other perspectives.

So somewhere in there, I changed the title from “415Whisperer” to “Wandering Voiceless” so that the title could be more flexible as to the day to day subject matter, and have some deeper meaning. I also added a tagline that explained my varied interests.

I still like that title, so have not changed it for the Day 2 assignment of Zero to Hero. I took a look at my tagline and decided I still like that, too. I did add a text widget poking fun at my voicelessness, while also directing readers again to my about page for the “in-depth analysis.”

Over the years as I have healed my emotional scars, my nightmares have transitioned from the sheer terror of certain death, to simple work-stress-related dreams. I knew I was truly on the road to wholeness when I could startle myself out of a dream: by actually screaming. (It still comes out as a croak, but hey it’s something.)

I expect one day to change the title to “Wandering Voiceless No More.” I suspect that will happen after I’ve published the first book of my memoirs.